I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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