its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
