Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
