I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
