i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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