Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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