Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I FOUND THE LEGS
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
