he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
