My sheets look like a crime scene.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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