I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
