If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Randomize