Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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