i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
