Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
