I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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