I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
