We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
