I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
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