Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
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