my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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