Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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