new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
