she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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