I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
