Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
