When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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