My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
