This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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