And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
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