I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
