Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
