I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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