So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I think I just sharted jello shots
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