Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
