I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
