Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
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