he puts the penis in happiness.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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