if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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