No, you can still breathe under the balls.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
