i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
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