no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
