i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Randomize
