I faked an abortion last night.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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