The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
