Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
