Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
