Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Randomize
