When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
