Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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