my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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