i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
