my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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