I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
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