we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
