I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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