it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
