for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Those nachos came to me in a dream
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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