There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
