I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
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