Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
