You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
