he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
