Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
