Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
what day is it and did you see me today?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
