I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
