I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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