Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I would fuck him just for his dog
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