hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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